On fried rice

Don't bring Uncle Roger into this.

If someone else sends me one of the three videos of Uncle Roger reviewing non-Asians making fried rice again, I am going to cry. The videos are fine- they’re his thing, other cultures have been doing terrible things to Asian food (and vice versa) for a very long time. But I’m going to give you some very controversial news (if you’re not Asian) and let you know that fried rice doesn’t actually have a recipe. It is leftovers.

As a general rule, if you don’t cook enough rice to feed your whole extended family for dinner, it is not enough. In my family, any excess rice was used to pack lunchboxes for the next day. There was always one tofu container (Chinese Tupperware) filled with plain rice that would always inevitably be turned into fried rice for an after school snack. This was no accident. The time spent hunched over the wok, shovelling rice into our mouths was also the only time my sister and I weren’t trying to kill each other. FYI, we are both still alive, so my dad’s tactic clearly worked.

Instead of a recipe, here’s a guide on how not to fuck up your (Cantonese) fried rice:

1- Prep everything first. You are not faster than fire. Chop your damn onions, cut your proteins into bite-sized pieces, beat your eggs. Do whatever you need to do so you’re not burning your kitchen down trying to make rice. It will be a very embarrassing time for you.

2- If you have more than five ingredients, you’ve got too many. My father has legitimately made me fried rice with only eggs and onions and it was amazing. If your entire vegetable crisper needs to be emptied, make soup. Don’t fuck with rice.

3- Get your wok screaming hot. You know how Asians are hairless? It isn’t because we are born that way, it’s because we grow up burning off all our arm hairs learning how to use a wok. Unless you’re afraid that you’re going to burn off multiple layers of skin from being clumsy, your wok isn’t hot enough. If you're wondering whether or not my dad was worried about my safety as a kid, he wasn’t. If you get a burn, you get a burn. If you cry, you cry. Don’t worry, he had no idea about censorship either. I remember watching Naked Killer with him when I was still in primary school and I turned out fine (?).

4- If you need a lot of oil, your wok is not hot enough. You’re making fried rice, not shallow fried rice.

5- The only acceptable rice is old rice. If you’re cooking rice to make fried rice, you will end up with a really wet dish. Having rice dry out overnight in the fridge is actually beneficial to the end product. Also, remember what I said about fried rice being made of leftovers?

6- Sturdy veg, eggs, rice, cooked protein, seasonings. This is the order you put things into the wok. You will also notice that the order of ingredients goes from ones that contain the most moisture to least moisture. This is how your dish ends up light, fragrant and not water or oil logged.

7- Wok hei is your friend. Do not fear the char, you want the char. I know we are all against people breathing on us right now, but you want the breath of the wok. Also, if you’re not getting wok hei, you’re either adding too many things to your wok at once, or you have issues achieving point number 3.

8- Don’t soy me, bro. Soy sauce does not belong on everything. I know that soy sauce companies have brainwashed you all into thinking that you need to drown rice in soy sauce to make it delicious, but you probably haven’t eaten good rice before. You also probably didn’t have Cantonese parents teaching you how to appreciate the clean and delicate flavours (trust Cantonese people to weaponise food to teach discipline) despite also raising you on cha chaan teng snacks. All you need is salt, sugar and white pepper. Calm down.

9- Fried rice is not a side dish. You do not scoop braised brisket, white cut chicken or steamed fish onto fried rice- that’s how you ruin everything. All these dishes are seasoned and your fried rice is also seasoned. I can’t believe I have to tell you this, but that is too much seasoning! Dishes are eaten with white rice and fried rice is eaten on its own. Every time you put a main dish on fried rice, an Asian kid gets beaten. Do the right thing.

10- In the words of RuPaul, good luck and don’t fuck it up.

What I’m reading:
If you aren’t already in the middle of your latest existential crisis, hunt down a copy of Bullshit Jobs: A Theory.

What I’m watching:
I’m rediscovering the excellent content that is on SBS On Demand. I might be behind the times, but ZeroZeroZero is fantastic viewing.

What I’m eating:
Broadbeans are back and they’re going in everything (except fried rice). Don’t act like you don’t have the time to process them. We all have the time.

What I’m loving:
This article on how cultural relevance and cuisine takes a back seat to what white people deem ‘good’ or worthy of attention due to a fetishisation of authenticity and how it informs a generation of restaurant concepts. I can only dream of being this articulate with my hatred.

Boris Portnoy being honest enough to acknowledge that greatness was accomplished by creating a toxic environment. More of this, please.

David Attenborough is on Instagram.

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