I don’t know who needs to hear this but you cannot have Italian yum cha. You also cannot have barbecue (as in low and slow) yum cha, Filipino yum cha or any cuisine other than Cantonese yum cha. Call it what it is: a few shareable dishes in a brunch service a restaurant wouldn’t normally hold with bottomless, watered down, first-pour spirits and a glaring absence of tea. (Don’t roll your eyes at me, I have received media releases on all of these brunches before.)
Just to be clear, ‘yum cha’ means to drink tea and ‘dim sum’ means to touch the heart. You’d be surprised how many times I’ve explained this to people slapping those words across events, not understanding their meaning and wondering why I am unimpressed.
In case you don’t know this, I am Cantonese. I was raised on yum cha. Even before I could hold my head up by myself, I was blobbing about in the arms of extended family members around a lazy Susan filled with dim sum. If I have broken bao with you, I know your favourite dish, what condiments you like and what tea you like to drink. It’s the rules.
Actually, in case you’re unsure, here are the rules of yum cha:
1- If you intend on having yum cha on the weekend, make a booking. Yum cha is a ritual where friends and family get together and talk about their week, so a weekend yum cha session is always popular. It is not, as some publications may suggest, a hangover cure.
2- Order your tea before you sit down. Surprise, surprise, you’ll be drinking tea at yum cha. Sure, there may be a drinks list with wines and beers, but traditionally, you drink tea. Hell, it’s even the name of the meal. This is because the tea is meant to aid digestion and lubricate your mouth while you ‘吹水’, which literally translates to ‘blow water’, which actually means ‘to gossip’.
3- Bring some spicy gossip with you. This is where all Cantonese people have unknowingly honed their shit-talking skills. Someone on Subtle Asian Traits made a joke about pitching a television program where all crimes are solved by a group of aunties because they’re so goddamn nosy. If you’ve ever been to a family session of yum cha, you will realise this plotline is entirely plausible. Bring your A-game, or your aunties will definitely talk shit behind your back when you leave.
4- Assert your dominance. There is always some overly polite, meek human with a tiny appetite in the family or friendship group. Make sure this person is not sitting in the seat where all the trolleys converge. If you choose to sit in the driver’s seat, make sure you can multi-task eating, ordering, being in charge of the tea and spilling the proverbial tea. Ingratiate yourself to the floor manager so you get great service and make sure you have thick enough skin to handle some abuse from the pushy trolley ladies. Yes, they will call you handsome and stupid in the same breath. It is part of the game. Hell, it’s part of being Cantonese.
5- Balance out your dishes. You are not five, you can’t just eat everything from the fried cart and finish off your meal with really hard multicoloured jelly cubes. The beauty of yum cha is you get to experience a range of flavours and textures. Tendon, tripe, chicken feet- come at me. They are perfect partners to har gow, roast meats and cheung fun. Also, don’t accidentally call it a fun cheung, that means ‘dumbass’. The last thing you want to do is call a trolley pusher a dumbass. No noodle for you, next!
6- If you want the daan tat, order the daan tat. Don’t wave off the dessert trolley just because you’ve just received your plate of black bean pork ribs. Food at yum cha comes out when it is ready. If the team is circulating egg tarts, it is because they’ve just come out of the oven. Enjoy them at their peak. If you really want to end your meal with something sweet, just leave it on the lazy Susan until you’re ready to eat it. Cantonese people can easily hop from sweet to savoury- we are flexible that way. That being said, we also like making sweet barbecued meats and shoving salted duck eggs into desserts. Do you consider that barbecue pork bun a savoury dish? Think again.
7- Pour the tea. If you see an empty tea cup and you can reach it, pour some tea in that bitch. Everyone’s eating rich, msg-laden food and the tea is there to cleanse the palate. Also, it’s good manners. If your teapot is empty, just take the lid off and place it at an angle. This shows the team that you need some more hot water in your pot. No need to put your hand up like an idiot who is trying to answer a question in class.
8- Get ready to punch on. No, really. My 101-year-old grandfather has literally punched my dad in the face fighting to pay the bill before. This is considered polite. We don’t do that splitting the bill shit. If we are having yum cha together, we will definitely have yum cha again in the future. Out-manoeuvring someone to pay the bill is how you win at yum cha. And no matter what your friends say, they are not allowed to tip. Are they INSANE?
As you can see, so many of the aspects of what makes yum cha, yum cha is inherently Cantonese. It’s not just the parade of tiny dishes, it’s the attitude, the ritual and the non-negotiable drinking of tea. Pitch me some random yum cha again, and I’ll just end up sending you this post. In the meantime, I will be hanging around, waiting for the day that indoor dining is back on so I can book a table at yum cha. Catch you around the lazy Susan.
What I’m reading:
If you’re after a (I hate using this word) quirky read you can breeze through in one sitting, Convenience Store Woman is that book. It’s light-hearted, totally bizarre and hilarious.
What I’m eating:
Chinese herbal soups. Now that the farmers’ markets are back on in my 5km radius, I’m able to buy bones and make pots of herbal soups every week. I have an irrational love for them and every time I sit down to a bowl before and after a meal, I think about how I am an old lady.
What I’m listening to:
Spring, sprung, swarm. I have bees on my balcony thanks to Somers Bees and they’ve been super active the past few weeks. There is a constant, therapeutic hum from the hive that turns me into a placid, useless lump.
What I’m loving:
The King of Mortadella- what an angel. Those who follow me on Instagram already know how obsessed I am with this account. Do yourself a favour.
If you enjoyed this, why not send it to that friend you like to spill the tea with over yum cha?
I'm in love with this article. #4 speaks to me. I have a very quick trigger finger when I see what I want. It'd be cool to see a bit about etiquette, like tapping the table when someone pours your tea, etc.
Fark, I was raised Cantonese and reading this is making giggle uncontrollably with every sentence. You rock!